


Whispered Knowledge

by thpsyche



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Darkfic, Depression, F/M, Gore, Gory sex, Manipulation, Masochist Kylo Ren, Psychology, Serial Killers, Suicidal Thoughts, masochists, porn and mentally unstable, psychology thriller, reylo au, tags will be modified as we go
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-11
Updated: 2019-05-11
Packaged: 2019-11-15 11:23:17
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 5
Words: 17,698
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18072530
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thpsyche/pseuds/thpsyche
Summary: Rey Niima is unstable. Yet, she is smart and beautiful. Everyone fears her, except for her psychiatrist. A man as smart and ambitious as she's afraid to admit. They break and push, exposing their darkest intentions. Who will break who?





	1. There's a ring around your mouth now, where you used to whisper knowledge

__   


 

_Entry: 20 th of February _

_I need help._

_I know I do, but I don’t want to accept it. Because if I do, it would mean I will lose it all. Everything I’ve worked hard for, vanished like dust._

_I don’t feel like myself anymore. I hurt my friends._

_I don’t want to hurt my friends._

_I raged at Finn the other day, and I almost broke his wrist that same day. Rose is scared of me, she won’t visit me any longer. I’ve heard Finn call her through the phone, he says I’m ‘unstable’ that he’s working to find me some help._

_Help won’t come._

_But I’m not angry. I’m never angry._

_I’m mostly sad and tired of living the same life every moment._

_I stare at my ceiling through the night and count the seconds that pass in the darkness. I see twisted scenes, mostly of death. It’s never a stranger, it’s always me._

_I wanted to be so many things, to experience the quality and sunshine. I can’t._

_My mind is consumed by bitter thoughts. It’s weird because they are actually very beautiful thoughts._

_I cry in silence before Finn walks into my apartment, even though he insisted I move in with him, I won’t be another burden. He is not my guardian. I don’t need one._

_I stay quiet as he talks about his day, I just mumble agreements and feign my wellbeing. He doesn’t buy it._

_It’s exhausting how anything can trigger me nowadays. I suffocate and the need to rip my scalp out is shaking._

_Next, the rage invades._

_It’s always my fault. I should do better. I could’ve done better. Why don’t I do better?_

_It’s not my fault. It is my fault._

_No, it’s Finn’s fault. It’s Rose’s and her petite skirts fault._

_It’s the world. I don’t need the world._

_I will make my way. I will exit and the world won’t have to bother me anymore._

* * *

 

“He is very well known in the area; all of the sources say he is the best. He even treated the mayor’s son.” said Finn as he read the business card over and over.

“Really, I’m fine. Whatever trauma/ bad experience I had, I’m over it. Apparently, I have a strong will” she said, beaming at the apple pie on her plate. It was the way Finn would have wanted her to gleam at her food, just as he always remembered her to love any treats. But Rey was no longer that girl.

Finn stared at her, the question still glinting in his eye. He was not going to lose his best friend to a mental illness. In fact, she never even had that tested. So far, they knew it was all trauma from her past. He shook his head. No, he would not give up until a specialist gave the green light on her.

“Eat up and prepare yourself. I’m going to call to make you an appointment and there is no arguing” he said as he saved the phone number on his mobile.

Rey rolled her eyes, forcing a bite down her throat. She had learned that not eating would always give her away. She needed to get them away from her, she was wasting their time.

_Soon_ , she reminded herself. _Soon you won’t be a burden anymore._

“I prefer if we didn’t. Psychiatrist make me uneasy.” She munched on the pastry, not actually paying attention to the flavor. “They always try to get in your head, to mold your brain into whatever they want. As if play-doh.”

Finn didn’t know much about psychiatrist nor medical things, he never needed them. But he had gone to all the ends to get to the best psychiatrist there could be in town. One that would cure Rey once and for all, no matter the cost.

“Once I make the appointment there is no going back.”  He said in a low voice, taking Rey’s hands in his own. He bought them up to his lips and kissed them tenderly. He truly desired Rey to be well again, to be the girl and sunshine he adores. But he will not risk breaking her even more. In the end she was the one to decide, and he would always follow her. “I truly want you to go, and at least try the first session. If you feel uncomfortable or you don’t like it. Then I won’t argue anymore and there will be no more psychiatrist.”

Rey did not deserve such friend. She didn’t deserve anyone.

She was nothing compared. Only dead weight.

The sooner she said yes and proved that she was a broken soul that nothing would ever glue back, the easier it would be for them to give up on her fully.

“Fine, I’ll go the first appointment.”

Finn beamed as he hugged her into his chest. Maybe this could be the golden chance, the gateway to restoring Rey. He broke the hug and cupped her cheeks between his warm hands. “Thank you” he murmured.

Rey hated seeing Finn so worried for her. She wasn’t worth his time and thoughts.

“What is this dudes name, anyway?” she asked, breaking his sentimental train of thoughts.

Finn blinked a couple of times and leaned back in his chair. He tucked the business card out of his front pocket and handed it to her.

“Mr. Solo. Ben Solo, a famous psychiatrist specialized in clinical psychology.”

Rey frowned as she read the words over and over. _Clinical psychology._

“Do you think I’m mentally unstable? Like…crazy?” she whispered.

He shook his head, realizing that maybe he made a mistake. He just hoped he didn’t trigger her in any way.

“No, you are just unstable, Rey. You suffer from a turmoil of emotions, sadness and traumas. I am no expert.” He gently caressed her shoulder as he spoke. “But he is. he’s specialized in the workings of the mind: thoughts, visions and actions. I think he’s the best.”

Rey just nodded, not half believing a single word. She wasn’t crazy. She just wanted to disappear. To stop the anger and agony. To not feel.

* * *

 

How far was Mister Solo’s office from her apartment? She wouldn’t know, not when she spent most of the ride staring blankly into nothingness.

It was odd. She should be using that spare time to think things through, to plan what exactly she was going to say to this doctor. Her plan was to fail at everything and mark herself as unrepairable.

To sentence her own life.

Expect nothing came. Whatever beautiful landscape that crafted in her window was abandoned to her eyes, as the ideas buzzed in her ear.

She had a lot to say. Yet, they never came out no matter how much she tried.

Once she had the intention of explaining everything to Finn, to describe the horrors and yet the peace some represented. She ended up making it all worse and in a new psychiatrist office parlor.

She doesn’t talk about it anymore. It’s better if it’s hidden from those she can harm, of those who are afraid of the darkness underneath everyone’s skin. Talking about it only makes her vigorous and mad, while the rest get uncomfortable and sad.

_It’s better if you don’t let the thoughts enter your mind._ She had concluded. _They don’t infect you, and you don’t feed them in return._

“We here! Wasn’t that such a quick ride?” squeaked Finn as he unbuckled his seatbelt. Jumping off the car with a grin on his face as he ran to open Rey’s door.

If Rey had to be honest, she could have guessed that they spent almost 40 minutes in that car. But as she lifted her phone to check the time, she shortly realized the reality of Kronos messing with her brain; merely 20 minutes had barely passed since they exited her apartment.

Doctor Solo’s “office” was just the studio of his house. And it made sense, since his house was three times Rey’s tiny apartment. The house itself was like taken out of a horror movie, with Victorian era style but a beautifully cropped and bloomed garden. Rey and Finn walked to the porch, the ceilings façade shinning under the sunlight. Rey was losing her nerves after the third unattended knock. She was about to give the quits when the locks started to turn. She counted at least four mechanism working to unlatch the secured door.  How special can something be to stay hidden under lock?

The wooden door revealed a man much older than Rey, his brown eyes drinking the image of the boy and the girl. Finn was the first to talk.

“Is this Doctor Solo’s medical office? Because I’m not that quite sure I have the right address?” he asked, glancing between the business card in his now outstretched hand and the pale face at the door.

The man smiled warmly, revealing his different crooked teeth. It wasn’t a smile that would frighten Rey or cause her some alarm, in fact, it was a very endearing smile. The way the corners of said man would lift and make marks around his cheeks; maybe if he truly laughed, he could even manage dimples.

“I am doctor Solo. My medical office is actually my house, so you are free to feel welcome. What can I do for you?” he said.

Rey kept staring without a ray of emotion catching her face, the thoughts immediately clouding her mind in a haze. She noticed how Doctor Solo’s eyes landed on her, eyes on eyes and his mouth slowly shut into a small grin. _Let the hunter meet its new prey._

Finn nodded as they both entered the household, either relieve or tremor was rising in his throat, but he wouldn’t know. What greeted them first was the pistachio rug that stood underneath a glass chandelier, making the void seem wide as it was filled with mahogany chairs. The stairs standing merely foots from the rug as a room stood on each side. It was almost like a box with tiny doors, each one leading to a different place.

One of the doors nearest to the entrance had a single sign above, the words PSIC-OFFICE gleaming black against the white wood. Doctor Solo walked toward the door, turning the knob he lifted a hand for them to follow. Finn whistled under his breath as he took in the scenery “ _fancy Nancy must earn a lot to keep this place like this”,_ he whispered to Rey’s nonresponding ears.

The “office” was more of a library. The wooden bookshelves all lined in the farthest wall with its green spines facing the entrance. In the center gleamed a polished onyx statue of cupid and psyche, their hands interlacing behind their backs. And all the space left was a mix of couches and more art pieces, all varying in tones and colors.

“Sit were you please” said Doctor Solo as he himself sat on the bean bag against a wall.

Finn relaxed into a leather sofa that reclined as far as he desired; it was a strange thing that he would have to invest later on. But Rey opted for the cold ground as she sat cross legged in front of doctor Solo, her baggy sweater covering most of her thighs as she sat.

“Tell me who can I help?” said Doctor Solo, his voice targeted on Finn directly as his eyes always bore down to Rey’s nonmoving eyes.

Finn cleared his throat, lifting his hand to touch Rey’s shoulder as if some pet. “My friend, Rey, has been having these episodes of instability and intense depression. I was wondering if you could help her up a bit!”

Doctor Solo tensed his face, closing what once was a grin to a straight line. His eyes piercing as if he could drive a hole inside her brain and take a peak. Finally, he softened his face and looked at Finn with a business voice.

“The beauty of psychology is that it’s not up to me, for I am merely an instrument in this lapse of the world. She is the true ruler of her own conscious and giver of peace.” His voice carrying the dreams and aspirations of thousands. It was as if Rey was a magnet and she thrived for the attention for brown eyes, for that’s all he did, return his hungry gaze to the freckled girl.  “But I can help you in your path. Tend the insecurities and balance to the fears. That’s what I am willing to do, if you accept?”

Rey didn’t need a new path, she had marked her own. She had a plan and no pretty eyes nor grasping smile could swirl that away. Yet, she faked her smile and nodded, her voice coming out like a croak for not speaking for an hour.

“I promised Finn that I would try. So here I am.”

Doctor Solo’s smirk returned as he grabbed the edge of the bean bag and scooted closer to Rey, eye to eye as he extended his hand half expecting Rey to shake it in return. But all she did was stare at the large hand as it levitated in the air, letting her appreciate and inspect the details she liked to always notice. From cracks to dead skin. It was an amalgam of options and idiosyncrasies.

“My name is Ben Solo, you can call me Ben.”

She hesitated, not sure if she was going to give in.

She wasn’t. Not to this brainwasher.

“Rey Niima” she said as she lifted her hand to meet his. It was a surprise when his big palm wrapped her short one in a firm grasp, letting her skin settle and acknowledge the rough spots and calluses that abound his skin.

_Who knew working as psychiatrist required hard labor work?_

* * *

 

Finn was beaming. The idea of finally giving a cure to her mental illness was something he did not expect to bargain for at the day. Yet there she was.

Rey Niima sat on the leather couch as Ben Solo did the same but directly in front of her. He had asked Finn to leave the room, just so he could get to know Rey a little better. And since the past 10 minutes all she has done is squirm in her seat, like the worm she is.

Ben clicks his pen and opens a notebook that sat casually on the coffee table. She watched as the man scribbles her name clearly at the top, each letter twisting in a way that revealed that Doctor Solo practiced calligraphy. It was odd for a man in his 30’s to do such things. He laid down the pen and turned to look at her, the smirk gone.

“Rey Niima, a woman in her earlies twenties. Can I ask if you feel comfortable here?” he said as calm as the water floating.

Rey blinked twice, debating herself to say the truth, something that wouldn’t harm.

She shook her head as it slouched in boredom.

“What makes you uncomfortable?” he asked again.

She did feel uncomfortable in that space. From the way she could look at the wooden tiles and see the splatters of water or some scratches on the same tile. It frightened her to the point that she even considered OCD being another one of her problems. But it was actually something more than that.

The way he would stare at her in such a carnal emotion could dig up her brain. As if the way his smirk actually made her pulse beat louder that if he paid attention, he could heart it. It made her uncomfortable that this man could provoke such uncomfortable things in her.  

She lifted her head just enough to make eye contact with him. She wasn’t surprised to see that his brown eyes were already eating her up.

“Many things here make me uncomfortable, Doctor Solo.”

“Would you like to tell me which ones?”

“No, I don’t”

He lifted his hands in defeat, nodding his head as if understanding. His long limbs readjusted in his seat as the sunlight entered his windows, letting Rey take a look at the pattern of moles on his face. He cleared his throat after a long while, as if he was giving Rey the privilege to stare.

“What do you expect of these sessions, Rey?” he murmured.

Rey expected him to call her a lunatic and give the green light to her death. She wanted him to stop staring at her as she was feast he was eager to eat. She wanted to touch his moles and trace them home. For Finn to give up on her and continue a life without her. She wanted to be listened.

Rey shrugged and stared at the branches that sat against the window. “Nothing.”

Ben closed his mouth in a firm line, taking his time to analyze her dead answer. He closed his notebook and nodded in silence.

“Rey, I want you to know that I am more than just a psychiatrist. I can be your friend and you can talk to me freely, just know that I will not judge you in anyway. In fact, I will try to understand you at every second.”

She wanted to believe his words. But she knew better.

 “I know you do.” she whispered.

“For today, I think it’s okay if you go home and take some time to think of anything you would like to tell me. Let’s start simple. What makes you happy and what makes you the saddest?”

“That’s a long list, Doctor.”

His smile returned as his eyes seemed to soften. “Please, call me Ben. And said so, I will see you tomorrow at this same time.”

He was about to stand up from his chair to lead her toward the door to Finn, but she didn’t even let him. For she was already there in three strides. Before she could open the door, she turned and looked at Ben, his long hair pronouncing the shadows on his face.

“I recommend you wash your hands very well after you cook.” She said as she pointed to his hands. It was a detail she noticed as he was writing her name in the most elegant way, except his hands weren’t elegant at all. His brow creased, the interrogation crossing his mind like ice. She exhaled, lifting her own palms outstretched. “You still have animal blood underneath you nails and creases.”

His eyes widened, closing his hands in tight fists. She didn’t even say goodbye as she left his office mumbling to herself and wondering what kind of animal did he kill for dinner. She really liked rabbit.


	2. All the simple silhouettes in here, make me nervous in my insides

_ Entry: 2nd of March _

_It’s always dark, like the onyx necklace I stole from my last boss. She doesn’t mind, I suppose. Not after the fright she got when I almost stabbed her hand._

_The thing is, it’s always dark and windy. My head usually zones out and all I can do is stare as I create the images. I swear I’m not violent. It’s mostly a bubbling rage that consumes, and I must admit that I sometimes feed it and do make tantrums, but I don’t think I’ve gone too far._

_Yes, I’ve done bad things. I am conscious of that. Like hitting Rose multiple times or smacking Finn with something heavier than a belt.  Or how I almost stabbed Mrs. Chello and kinda felt bad when I realized I missed. But anyway, I am not violent. I haven’t gotten to the point in which I want to actually commit murder. That’s not me._

_I do have a little of masochist satisfaction in me; but I’m not that crazy._

_Which, talking about crazy. Doctor Solo is the crazy one._

_He must be into crazy people, that’s why he’s a psychiatrist._

_All evening that I was in his office, he stared and looked at me the same way I used to look at a chocolate piece of cake (even though now the pure thought of it makes me want to puke). I know the odds are that he was looking for any idiocrasies that might give me away._

_I must admit he has the prettiest eyes I’ve ever seen, and I’ve seen a lot of eyes._

_Yet, he makes me uncomfortable. There’s something really odd about him, he seems so put together as if there’s no crack._

_But we all have cracks._

* * *

 

“REY STOP!” she screamed at the top of her lungs. “please!” she sobbed in the corner.

It was clear again as Rey sat the glass vase on the table, her breathing slowly decreasing to state where she could think clearly. And when she could, she wished she couldn’t. The image was enough to crumble her heart, to make her want to sink into a puddle of nothing.

Rose was hunched in a ball against the corner of the room, her arms extended over her head to make an arch of protection against another attack. There were scratches against her arms, the dots of blood drenching her white blouse. Her eyes wide in fear as she stared at Rey with her heart in her mouth.

“NO!” screamed Rey as she ran to her bedroom and locked all sounds of the exterior. She couldn’t see the damage she made, not to her friend.

She walked in circles, munching her nails in disgust and anxiety. How could she do this? Why wasn’t she in control of herself any longer?  She didn’t want to cause pain, and least of all to Rose. It felt like an eternity when someone knocked on her door, the hits smooth and not loud. It was Finn. 

“Peanut? Please open up. Talk to me.” He mumbled against the wooden door.

Rey shook her head; then realized Finn couldn’t see her. “I don’t want to hurt you, or Rose. I can’t” she said, her voice horse of a screaming she couldn’t remember.

“You won’t hurt me, I know you, peanut.”

“You don’t know me anymore. I don’t know myself”

Finn exhaled, the sadness meeting a door he couldn’t touch. “That’s why a psychiatrist is very important. We need to find you again and fix whatever made you wrong. Don’t worry about that, Doctor Solo will make it better from now on.”

She laughed. That man wasn’t her ally; if all he just wanted a new pet he could study. One to mold and give Finn back.

“Doctor Solo. Do you really believe him?”

“I have faith in God that he will help you. That you will be Rey once again.”

How many times would she have to tell him that she was far dead and that all that was left was living corpse. The answer was never-ending, for he would never give up.

“Finn?”

“Yes, peanut?”

She took in a deep breath, not sure if she wanted to hear it. “What happened out there? What did I do to Rose?”

She already knew. It was as if she was watching the whole scene through a window, and her hands were not hers but their own. She saw Rose scream in terror as she retreated to the corner, she saw it all and didn’t bulge.

“You attacked her. From what she told me everything was fine, you both were chatting while having a cup of coffee. Then she asked you about the psychiatrist’s appointments and suddenly you went nuts. You went over her, scratched your way into her face and arms; you threw her a vase of glass over her once she was on the floor.”

“I thought I stopped myself from throwing the vase?”

“You only stopped the second vase.”

The smirk on her face gleamed in the darkness. She should feel bad for harming one of her friends, but if the truth was to be exposed. She didn’t feel as bad. It’s not like she can pop a soda and instantly become a maniac with anger issues. She had many triggers and Rose would find them and pressure them without knowing. Rey knows that there are many layers to the truth, that sometimes you can make it what you want.

They were drinking coffee. Yes. They were chatting like the good friends they were. Yes. She did mention how good and nurturing the psychiatrist’s appointments would be. Also, yes. But Rey could remember how she laughed at the idea of ‘chatting with another lunatic’ and how she saw the glimmer in Rose’s eyes when Rey confessed that most of the appointments would consume her time with Finn. Rey can also remember how Rose simply giggled as she mumbled _“I guess you might need a replacement.”_

She did feel guilty, but only partly.

“Where is she now? I need to apologize.” asked Rey as she unlocked the door for Finn even though he didn’t enter; luckily for her.

“She called me once you ran to your room, I calmed her down and took her home.”

“I hope I can get to apologize to her personally, to mend all the things I’ve done to her.”

It was true, Rose was a great friend and she desired nothing more that to be at peace with her and Finn.

“Things will be better again, Rey. Trust me on that.”

Rey knew they won’t.

“It’s okay, Finn. I can fight it a bit longer.”

She could hear his strained laugh against the door, as if he was fighting himself to either enter o contain himself outside.

“Tomorrow we are going for your next appointment. I’ll be here at 4”

She exhaled. Of course, he was eager to send her off with the lunatic talker.

“Sure.”

* * *

 

That day the weather decided to take a jump and hike up to May, for even Rey who disliked dresses as much as beer felt the need to wear that floral dress that had been stored in her closet for years. She hated how ten minutes in the exterior could cause her neck and most parts to sweat like a pig. It was not her ideal outfit to go to the psychiatrist, least of all when she knew how consummating his eyes could be. But the heat was the heat.

When they arrived at his luxurious home, she begged the universe that he owned an air conditioner for she had no idea if she could bare herself more than 15 minutes inside.

Finn knocked eagerly, skipping beats between knocks. _He’s eager to get you fixed._

When Doctor Solo opened the door, it seemed he was living across the globe. He was covered in a light blue dress shirt and black pants, his feet glistening as his pair of black shoes shone against the blinding sunlight. The impact of the heat knocked his face as his once pale cheeks turned the brightest pink, as a perfect contrast to his gray scaled face. Rey noticed how his eyes widened as they traveled up and down her form, almost as if shocked to find her there at his footstep. But Rey knew too well they eyes of a hungry animal.

“Rey, I’m glad to see you’ve made your mind for a second appointment. Please come in, the heat is threatening.” He said, taking a step back to let them enter the vast waiting room.

Finn was a charm as he stepped in, the smile gleaming on his face, Rey tried to maintain her distance as she stepped into the green rug.

“Doctor Solo, it is a relieve to see that you have air conditioning because I was about to melt out there!”

Ben giggled, frowning at the idea. “Why wouldn’t I? knowing how much I detest this weather.”

Rey rolled her eyes. Of course she agreed, but she wouldn’t let him know. Ben noticed her impatience and cleared his throat.

“If you feel ready, we can step right in and begin with the chat.” He mumbled, pointing to the door that lead to the office.

“I do feel like ‘ _chatting’_ ” she said, almost dragging herself into the secured four walls of her doom.

Rey knew like the palm of her hand the dialogue she was going to throw. To make the perfect scene of depression and destruction. She sat near the window in the leather couch that had caught her eye the session before. She heard him walk in and close the door behind her, the mechanism of the lock latching itself into the wall making a loud echo.

He cleared his throat. She didn’t look at him.

“Why are you here?”

She didn’t even blink as she responded, her eyes trained on the trees that started to bloom outside his window. “I need to be fixed.”

She could hear his footsteps against the wooden tile, how they approached her. She didn’t turn nor blink. She would have to admit to herself later on that Ben Solo would always cause her to be on alert, yet it didn’t frighten her as much as it should. She felt a steady breathing against her shoulder, it wasn’t as pronounced to feel shudders, yet it tingled her skin. Rey turned only to see a crouched Ben, his eyes at the same level as hers; his eyes soft and serious.

“Rey, you don’t need to be fixed. Nobody does.” He said as serene as water, his eyes regarding her in the most natural way.

“Finn believes I do. That you will help to reconstruct me, to fix me and return the Rey that once was.” She mumbled, never breaking the eye contact.

He shook his head, licking his lips in search of any hydration. “I can’t fix anything, not even my own sink.” He said, breaking a small grin to levitate things. “My intention is not to fix you, because you are not broken, in any way. You are mal informed; your path is crocked which makes you believe in many paths. My whole existence as a psychiatrist is to be your guidance, the support and be the ear that will listen. The actions and choices you take are all up to you.”

She wanted to believe him, to be wrapped around his beautiful words. Suddenly she felt intimidated by his beautiful eyes, she felt wrong to be against them. Rey looked away first.

“Rey, look at me,” he mumbled too close to her. “ _please_.”  

She couldn’t look at him, his eyes could eat her up and expose her darkest desires. She did fear that of him.

“I did something terrible yesterday.” She said, breaking her voice as the thoughts and scenes from the other day wrapped around her brain.

She heard a ruffle and from the corner of her eye watched as Doctor Solo sat crossed legged beside her, his hands interlacing as they sat atop his lap.

“Would you like to tell me what happened?”

“I hurt my friend Rose. I attacked her and harmed her.”

Rey recalled the blood drops and scratches on her face and arms, the pain and terror in Rose’s eyes.

“How does that make you feel?”

“Bad. If I think hard enough, I can remember her scream begging me to stop. I can feel her terror and fear. It makes me want to puke.” The single idea made her want to gag.

She heard him exhale. “Do you remember how you felt when the action was done?”

She did. But she wasn’t sure if she wanted to share it. Rey looked up and saw his brown eyes looking at her in the softest way, in the warmest stare. Rey did not expect him to look at her in that way, not after she confessed what she did. It would have been easier if he reacted the same way everyone did; with loathing, fear and distrust. But all his eyes expressed were understanding.

“I do.”

“Tell me about that. Do you remember how it happened?”

This would have to be the hardest part of every session. Confessing her emotions and thoughts.

“We were having a cup of coffee, chatting like the good friends we are, or were. I don’t think she would like to see nor talk to me after what happened.”  She said, as she counted the times she had attacked Rose, it was 3 in total. “She asked about the sessions and I answered. She said something I did not agree with and…I fucking snapped!”

She threw her arms in defeat as some angry tears accumulated under her eyes.

“Would you say she triggered something? A hidden emotion?”

“Listen Doctor, I’ve been suffering anger issues and that little prick mentioned that I was just another piece of fucking furniture that could be easily replaced.” She could feel the heat invading her cheeks, the hot searing anger marking places around her neck.

Doctor Solo made his mental notes, how most of her reactions would spike at certain topics. He nodded, making a profile of Rose, one of her many triggers in flesh and bone.

“And how did that make you feel?”

“The stupid thing she said? Or the fucking way I reacted?” she giggled sarcastically.

“How did you feel in that moment. Was it anger?” he asked, his tone dropping at the end. “Or something much more?”   

Rey looked back, her eyes staring in question at him; the clocks ticking in the back making a resounding echo. There was something there, something she was afraid to admit, and he was fighting to bring out to the light. She felt her breathing slow as an understanding settled inside herself. She was eager to let go.

“Doctor, have you ever killed an ant?” she said, as calm as the waves of the sea in a passive day. Ben frowned, not understanding her question, or knowing if it had any distant link to his direct question.

“As a kid, yes. As an adult, no.”

She smiled, her eyes still locked on his. “When I was a toddler, Finn and I would often play in the small backyard.” Said Rey, correcting herself as Ben nodded his head slowly.  “That’s why I know Finn, we’ve been together from the moment we arrived to Jakku orphanage to the moment we aged and were kicked out.”

“You two were orphans?” he asked.

“We are orphans.”

He nodded, the new information clinging to his mental notes. Rey resumed her story, trying her best to get to the point.

“In the corner of the backyard there was an ant nest. I would often stop playing and stare at them, watch how perfectly in order they were. How they all worked in groups to lift the biggest crumb of food, or how they waited in a line to the nest. I was always marveled. Marveled too much.”

She remembered those moments vividly. Her fat thumbs pressing, the bites on her flesh sparkling red. She smiled.

“I would sometimes get a stick and block the way of one of the ants. Some would climb over and continue their route, while others would just circle the stick. And if they did, I would fetch something bigger, something they couldn’t climb that easily.” She felt his stare as she drifted away with the memories. “If that was not enough, I would throw them water. Anything that would make them not succeed, that wouldn’t let them have a happy ending.”

“But once Finn saw what I was doing he would always scold at me and spat my hand away from the nest. _Bad Girl_! His whiny voice would scream as he proceeded to become the sole protector of the ants, guarding their nest at every playtime.”

Ben smiled at the image in his head of the chubby brown kid crossing his arms in front of the freckled girl with a gleam in her eyes. “Finn has always had a protector aura, is that right?”

Rey nodded, the smile still painted on her face.

“I understand the importance of Finn in your life, the complete image of good and fondness. Without him you wouldn’t know between good and bad. So, is Rose that dark image?” he asked between his hand mannerism.

Rey laughed. “No. Rose is not the dark image, she is far too much light. She is hope and adoration. You just didn’t let me finish, Ben!”

His grin appeared, the sound of his name in her mouth was a different type of glory. “Continue then.”

She took a deep breath, the smile still marked in her freckled cheeks. “I would often see my mates stomp on ants, some would even squash them in their palms, or simply hit them with something and leave them there. But I was different child, I liked to see everything, to learn without asking.”

“Yes, they would harm the ant by doing that. But I could see them moving after the blow, I watched as they recovered from the disorientation and continued with their paths. I was ambitious. If you were going to kill something, do it well.”  

Ben sat straighter when she finished her words, the smile never slipping. “I would press them under my thumb, hard. My child brain would think, how do you kill an ant? Pulling limb by limb. But they were too small for me to pull, so I would drag the ant under my thumb and see each limb undress on top the concrete.”

Rey looked at him, expecting to see the fear on his eyes, or at least any glint of dark emotion. But she was regarded with a strong set of brown eyes, the intensity far bigger than it ever was. If she returned his stare, she was pretty sure he would have smiled just as she was smiling.

“Sometimes, I would grab a rock, preferably a pointed one. I would drag the tip toward the ant and turn the point until there was nothing more of the twisted ant. The others would look at me as if I was nuts, crazy as a parrot. But I always felt the intensity, the attraction to how easy it was to crumble a living thing. How a single rock could squish and undo. It was fascinating.”

She heard Doctor Solo take in a gulp of air. “Is that how you felt?” he whispered.

Rey nodded. It felt nice to have someone understand her for once and not judge her.

“As a child I would always think of the ant. When you smash it, the pain is fast passed, and it recharges quickly. If you wanted something dead, you make sure it stays dead. I would think of how the ants couldn’t understand the pressure that twisted on top of them or how it was being dismembered alive. Would he tell his other ant friends via his antennas?”

“And with Rose,” she broke the gaze, realizing how sick this had become. “I don’t want to hurt her, I love her. But there is this feeling that feasts upon pain; maybe that’s the main reason I always inflict it upon myself.”

Ben listened intently for her pulse merged with the ticking clocks. She was asleep, numb to the greatness.

“Rey, you are a mystery to the world. You are not broken, I am more than sure of that now.” He reached for her face between his long-paled palms, his thumbs ridding over the freckles. “You are asleep, my dearest. I will help you to concrete the path.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you all! i was not expecting to receive that much love on this fic. I was prepared to leave this fic as another of my lone wip's. But the answer it got simply blew me away.  
> until next sunday, i guess?


	3. Take my outsides for a ride, any shape that you can twist them into tonight

_Entry: 10 th of March_

_He’s not as bad as I thought, I actually think he can be my ally._

_It’s amazing when you can talk freely with someone and know that they won’t judge you. I feel bad for doubting him, for thinking he wasn’t going to help me._

_But, from what I’ve seen, he understands me. Or at least acts like he does. It doesn’t matter, he listens, and I appreciate that. I wish Finn would listen as he does._

_It helps that Doctor Solo isn’t ugly, that he makes me quiver and tremble when we’re alone. Not of fear or of uncomfort, but of excitement and curiosity.  During the past sessions I’ve found more tranquility, it’s a different kind of sentiment._

_The images still attack me, but they don’t scare me as they did. It’s mostly dark and my palms are always wet and sticky, I can feel the sweat on my neck as the wind blows. I should feel scared of the darkness and loneliness, but these new images are different. I’m never alone._

_I see his eyes, his watching with glee._

_A smile on his face as he watches me dance in blood._

* * *

 

Not everything is depressing, there are times when Rey sees the light.

Today she is happy, she flies like the wind in summer time, yet she knows it won’t last. It never lasts. She’s opted for curling her shoulder length hair, styling it so it looked natural. The heat of the day forced her to wear another dress, this one loose around her frame while it glowed with the red tiny roses that adorned the black fabric. Rey knows how much she detests wearing dresses; but today she skipped her way to the vehicle. Finn smiled at his god, giving silent thank you’s for slowly curing her with this new doctor.

But Rey was no saint, she wanted something more of today’s appointment. She wanted flesh and bone, she wanted lips and touch. It was a feeling that clung to her body every time she exited his office after an appointment, the sick dread that she didn’t get what she wanted. Except she wasn’t sure if she wanted it.

It was 4pm as the usual appointment was, Finn’s car stopping right in front of his porch. Rey smiled, she had a lot to talk to him, a lot to ask. She was feeling better. Rey knocked four times on his wooden door, getting more anxious with each hit.

“Rey, for god’s sake! You are going to break the door!” exclaimed Finn with a gleeful smile as he watched her.

She drew a crease across her forehead. Doctor Solo knew she would always come punctual, so he always opened the door after the second knock. “Maybe he’s not home?” she murmured with dread. She had so much to tell him.

“Let’s wait a while.”

Doctor Solo took 10 minutes to open the door. He was agitated as if he had run up and down his stairs, the sweat beads clinging to his impossible dress shirt. _Why does he always wear dress shirts and pants?_ His formality had no space to how ruffled he seemed, his hair swayed in a way it never was, almost as if someone had clung to it. He smiled as he always did when he saw Rey at his door.

“Sorry for taking so long to answer, but I was dealing with…a little, animal.” He said out of breath. Ben opened the main door, giving perfect space so both could enter the waiting room.

It was as if a spark uprooted inside Rey, she looked at him and noticed all the things that were off, he was different today. “Do you have pests in this house?” she asked.

Finn squeaked, he hated rats. “OH LORD!! You must call the exterminator! You know, I know this guy who is very good with rats and cockroaches.”

Ben smiled and by the way his eyes closed in such a forceful way, Rey knew he was hiding something.

“It was a different kind of animal, but, don’t worry. I got it covered and cleaned.”

“Very clean, I can tell.” Said Rey as she perceived the strong smell of bleach as she moved around the waiting area. She looked down at his hands and as she noticed the details, her heart sped. His hands were wet, shinning under the drizzle.

Ben swallowed, uncomfortable under her stare. It was a rare day when the hunter felt pressed by the prey. “If everything is alright, why don’t we start right away?” he said, motioning with his palm the way to his office.

Rey nodded, not leaving her suspicion pass by as she walked toward his office after she smiled at Finn and winked at him. She heard Ben walk behind her, she heard him lock the door as they were both left alone in the secluded room. She sat on the leather couch as the coolness from his air conditioning met her warm thighs. Rey watched as he plopped in the couch directly in front of hers, she watched his slender hands drift to his collar as he unbuttoned the top button. Something inside her screamed and yelped when she saw the sweat on his long pale neck, the moles that adorned the surface. The heat had surpassed again.

“What animal was it?” she asked as her eyes made drills in his skin.

He blinked a couple of times before answering. “A toad.”

Rey snorted. “There are no toads in a near radius”

“Well, I certainly just had one in my bedroom and chased it all over the house to get it out.”

“Do you truly want me to believe that?”

He closed his mouth in a thin line, his brown eyes searching her face. “Yes” he whispered.

Rey huffed, nodding as she stared at the fabric of her dress, out of the blue she didn’t feel like talking. After being gleeful and visibly anxious to see him, now she wanted nothing more but to leave.

“How was your day?” he asked as he leaned against the leather.

“I had a good day before getting here.” she bluffed.

His forehead creased upon hearing her response. “Why is that? Have I made you uncomfortable in some way? Have I offended you?” he said as his voice reached a tone of doubt.

Rey thought his questions for a few seconds, wondering if she should be true to them after he demonstrate that he was her ally. Yet, it bothered her that he didn’t think of her as his ally, she wanted to help him. He might not be as mentally unstable as she was, but she knew he needed her. She knew by the way his eyes would always search for her.

“Well, you once said you were here to help me. That I was the only one who could mend myself and still, you promised that you would help me walk down my path.” She said as she smiled at every word. “That you would be my ally.”

Ben smiled, truly this time; his eyes softening as the dimples marked his face in the loveliest way. “I am your ally.”

“Why?” she pressed.

“I want to help you, I don’t think your crazy at all. Your mind is confused, which makes you question your own sanity.” He said rising from his seat to stay crouched at Rey’s eye level as his warmth intoxicated her. “I’ve seen the aspects of the reality of you, I’ve seen the love you share for those you care about, the hurt that can corrupt you. Don’t be afraid of that, turn it your weapon.”  

She melted in the pool of his eyes and she wanted nothing more that to expose her mind to him, and she would’ve, but she needed to hear him first. With the bravest act she lifted her hand and touched his cheek, she watched the surprise claim his face as her soft palm wrapped his pale face. Her thumb passed through the texture of his moles, she felt like home.

“Are you my ally?” she whispered only for his ears.

He licked his lips, eyes only for her. “Always. Only I can understand you.”

She smiled at his words, the hope rising once again. “Why? My gut tells me it’s not about the psychiatrist shit.”  

He simply shrugged as his face had his grin plastered perfectly, he lifted from the ground and sat beside her, thighs touching thighs. Ben lifted his arm, making the perfect landing on the couches arms rest which casually turned out to wrap Rey. He smiled as her body pressed bit by bit with his much heavier one.

“The moment you entered my office with those sad eyes and bad posture, I knew I had to know why you were like that, that’s my job. But then you didn’t reveal a thing to me, and I could read it through your expressions how much you wanted to say. You’re not that good of a liar.” Ben said as he turned to rejoice in the proximity, in the response of Rey’s body as she curled for him.

“That first day you scanned the room like a falcon. You noticed things no one does, you took me by surprise.” he’s mouth only centimeters from her ear. “I knew you were different then, but when you told me the story of the ants, I was certain. You are so much more; your potential is exquisite but it’s asleep. I want to awaken it, to make you see just how much you can enjoy the wonders of life.”

Rey knew she was wet, more likely soaking in the couch; she still didn’t dare move as the temptation to rub her thighs grew stronger as his words drifted above her.

“How do you enjoy the wonders of life?” she said, the air being sucked from her as the pulsations of her need rode in her sensitive lips.

He could see her perfectly from his sight and he wished nothing more than to always posses her like this. He knew that the word he was about to say could either shock her and make a clear wall against them or drive her deeper in his net of needs.

“By death.”

* * *

 

“It isn’t necessary, Doctor Solo.” Argued Finn for the third time while Rey walked happily behind Ben as he guided them to his living room.

 “There is nothing you should be upset about, unless you’ve already made plans. Because if that’s the case I have no prob-”

“we don’t have plans!” interrupted Rey as she sent daggers through her eyes at Finn. He simply rolled his eyes as he was sent in irritated mode.

After the session, Doctor Solo felt hungry and generous for he invited the pair to stay for lunch. Normally Finn would be happy of seeing Rey eager to interact with other people, and happy for her will to eat something. But he did have plans. He was meant to see Poe in an hour and go have lunch with him, he had tried hard to get him to accept a date and now the odds were that he would fail himself. He didn’t want to be mad because he knew he was doing this for Rey, yet he preferred to be somewhere else.

Ben’s house was huge and old, the wood engravings in the doors and walls was a wonder to an artist like Rey. She walked behind Ben as her fingers traveled on the walls, sinking in the twisted patterns. He led them to a big room with couches of not leather, but cushioned fabric the color of oil. She plopped on one as she rejoiced in the soft feeling of the fabric against the exposed skin of her bottoms.  Ben watched her and a twist of emotions invaded him. He saw him stripping her naked in that exact spot of the couch and fucking her until every spot of the fabric was wet. He also saw her in the petite dress and he still fucked her raw. He also saw himself wanting to crawl in her warmth and taste the nectar that surely dripped from her aching pussy.

“What will we be eating?” asked Finn

Ben smiled, of course there was always a way to calm the growing boner.

“I was thinking a juicy honey garlic sirloin with the side of a delicious mushroom pasta?”

Rey wasn’t a fan of food, her instability occasioned for her appetite to be lost. She nodded, not sure if she should actually stay for lunch. She turned to see a somewhat happy Finn who enjoyed the idea of sirloin in a greasy pan.

“I like the idea.” She said, rising from the couch to stand in front of him, placing her hands on her hips. “Can I help?”

Ben smiled, he definitely wanted her help except it was in other areas, much deeper sections. “Of course, you can” They stared at each other with the same intensity, sharing the hunger for something more than food. Finn coughed, watching them interact in a stiff way.

“Mind if I stay here? I hate being in the grease and smells.”

The less he was around _his_ Rey, the better. “No problem, friend.”

Ben lead Rey to the kitchen, wondering where else he can take her, where else he can taste her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> late but here. beware because we going explicit from now on.  
> also, i might take my time on updating cuz i'm working on another oneshot :v


	4. I want to care much more, but I'm feeling less and less

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> BENDEMPTION IS CANON!  
> -  
> sexual assault triggers/ dismemberment/ torture

_Entry: 17 th of April_

_I thought everything was better, I was sure I was being useful and sane again. I am worse than before._

_The images attack me as they never did, they used to come at night in the middle of my deepest dreams. Now, they haunt me day and night, I know it’s wrong and it disgusts me the pleasure I feel when I think of it. It must be my fault somehow, I shouldn’t be thinking like this if I’m still going to therapy._

_Ben does help, he listens and calms me down when I feel like spiking. He knows I’m unstable and that I’m better off secluded somewhere away, so I won’t hurt my friends and people I love. In the past month I have suggested Ben that maybe I am a danger to society, that he should talk to Finn about it. He always declines my offer, Ben says I don’t need that, that my fear is natural. He always talks his way into my mind, and he changes it in a nickel of time._

_I appreciate his faith and hope in me, I am very grateful that Ben listens to my every word. He understands me in a different way, not like the brotherly kind that Finn does. No, Ben knows me in a deeper level, not just because he is my psychiatrist. No, he reads my mind and feelings, he transforms them into symphonies I never knew could exist._

_But it scares me._

_I don’t know what I’m capable of, I don’t know if I should fear my control over it._

_I was never given the gift of actually getting what I wanted. I always starved and desired, and it was that same starvation that drives me to the edge. It’s a necessity that boils my skin and tingles my bones, an excitement that catches my breath. I should suppress the need and focus on the bright things, but it always rises when my darkest thoughts cloud my mind._

_The anger and fear are my anchors, and my desire is the need to act; either for good or bad. It doesn’t matter, as long as I complete my cycle of necessities._

* * *

 

The bus was late or rather she got late to the bus stop. She hated when her schedules got modified because of her stupidity. She sat in the only free space there was next to a very busy mother who tried to calm down her newborn. The baby cried in agony as the mother debated if she should feed it in public, her head moving sideways in panic as she watched the bus get full second by second. The screams of the child resounded in her ears, the pitch pounding on her skull with every yelp.

Rey had never been a person of patience, she hated to see time pass with awful slowness, it frustrated her. Yet, slowly she had managed to conquer her head, to not pay attention to those things; that was before she felt her anger lift as the baby payed no attention to the worried mother. For split moment, Rey saw herself taking the baby and sewing its pouty mouth shut, the cord of rough material shinning in the specks of blood. She blinked twice, eyes round as she realized what her mind had created. The image so gruesome in her mind, the crying baby was crying no more in her head as he couldn’t spread its lips anymore. Rey knew she shouldn’t think such awful ideas, that she should get no relief of the slightest idea. She would have to lie if she said that the idea didn’t bring her some pleasure, because it did. But it was immediately placated by the guilt and horrid reality that she was slowly turning into a monster.

Rey squeezed her eyelids hard, the pressure being kind to her increasing headache. She was not in the best of moods as she was already late for work, all because she didn’t double check on her alarm which caused her to wake up 10 minutes later than normal. Ben had recommended she quit her job and settled for something that didn’t require for her to be constantly thinking nor interacting with strangers that could trigger her.  But Rey was determined to not be a burden, not to Finn who had always taken care of her since they were kicked from the orphanage. She would work hard to pay her own sessions with Ben and maybe if she worked extra hard, she could even afford her own casket.

The uniform clung to her like plastic to a chicken, the pencil skirt hugging her thighs up to her knee. It was a chilly morning which caused her baby hairs to stand in the breeze as she reached her stop. The building was open as she walked with the perfect smile they teached her for two years as the hotel’s receptionist. Rose was already there answering some calls on her side, the look of fear icily crossing her eyes as they landed on Rey’s entering body. 

The image of seeing a Rose so shrunken in fear at just looking at Rey in the same room as her, made Rey conscious once again of what she did. The knot formed on her throat as she approached her desk, the slightest grin of apology as she sat next to Rose. Rey could sense Rose’s tense body as their proximity in work space forced them together. She took a deep breath as she turned to look at Rose, who tried to cover herself the best she could.

“I know an apology won’t mend the damage I’ve made you, nor can it heal all the mistakes I’ve done.” She started whispering toward Rose, but she was done of living a trauma of terror given by the one person who was meant to be one of her best friends. When Rey saw that Rose was set to leave, she panicked, not knowing what she could say. “I don’t deserve to be forgiven, but please know that I never want to hurt you again, that I hate myself for harming you. Dare I hope with all my heart that one day you shall forgive me?”

Rose lifted from her desk with heavy breaths, she walked for the exit but turned only slightly to look at Rey, just so she could notice the gleaming tears on her cheek. ‘No’ she mouthed as she left. And Rey didn’t blame her, because if she was not herself, she also wouldn’t forgive a crazy psychopath too.

* * *

 

The day was tough and long, she wished many times she could stop time and sleep her way through without talking to anyone. But that was lie, her whole life depended on developing around others. It was late night and Rose left as soon as her shift ended, she was eager to get as far away as she could from Rey, it was fair. On some days Finn would pick up Rose and her from the long shifts, and they would ride to the Indian food restaurant. _But not today_ , thought Rey as she grabbed her coat and headed out to the chilly air. She walked toward the lone bus stop and she was happy it was alone, that meant there was no sign of any creep around.

She was wrong.

She heard grunts and moans, sound so rough it resounded near her. Rey looked around but failed to see any man near, the darkness either consumed the image or her mind was finally breaking loose.

“I love little birds like you, so soft and juicy.” Whispered a man from Rey’s right in the hoarsest voice.

She knew this was no hallucination, for his words were clear and loud; she stayed still in panic.

“Why don’t you come and play with me?” he said once more, this time his voice between breaths. If Rey payed enough attention she could heard the slick sound of the man masturbating. That was when she looked around and noticed the tramp laying in the ground below, hidden under some branches of dead tree. Rey wanted to gag at the pure idea.

“Come and spread those little legs. Let me taste your little pussy!” he continued, the sounds of slickness and moans now increasing. Rey felt the tremble on her spine, the nausea on her stomach threatening to spike to her throat.

“I want to fuck you hard until you crawl home.” All that revulsion and disgust throbbed like an ich, slowly transforming into a hatred so potent. She was more than angry, she was furious at this man; she baled her palms into a tight fist as she felt her fingernails dig into the soft flesh of her pale palms. Who did he think he was?

No woman should ever feel threatened by man. No woman should ever see scenes so repulsive and no woman should ever feel oppressed nor objectified. But the anger alone was never enough, she was always left insatisfied.

The world was dark again, but her object was clear, she saw the man with clarity as he whimpered in his spilling cum. She could feel the heavy cool metal of a razor pressing on her palm as the sharp blade cut through the soft skin and veins, she could feel the spring of hot blood across her cheeks as she cut through his penis. He screamed in pain and she laughed, she smiled the whole way through, and he cried. She took the dismembered flesh of an attempt of a dick and marveled at how much better it looked wrapped in blood. It was a delight to hear his acute screams in the darkness of the night as she howled in laughter; _how cowards’ men were once they were defeated!_ She turned the man on his stomach with the sole of her shoe, somehow, he was easier to manipulate when the pain was his only memory. She shoved his trousers off and exposed his half-formed ass, laughing all the way as she penetrated him with his own dismembered dick. He cried, she smiled.

She blinked twice as she noticed the arriving bus, it’s two glowing lights illuminating her still standing form. She heard the man yelp as the light revealed his face, he squeaked and shoved his dick in his pants as he ran away.  The man was intact and fully formed, not a piece of flesh gone. She sighed as she stepped on the bus, ready to end her day and die a little more.

 Little did she know that hell is lived every single day, and everywhere.

She realized once she was on top the bus that riding alone would always be her first fear. The back seats were packed with men, all dressed in tattered pieces of clothe and talking at full volume filthy word after another. Rey clung to her bag as she slipped in the nearest seat she could find to the exit, occupied by an 80-year-old man, she was ready to run when the time came. Maybe things were going good for she didn’t hear a single thing coming from the men in the back, not a single catcall. She sighed, relieved that maybe she was exaggerating.

She should know by now that the one person to always betray you is the one you initially put your trust in.

Rey felt his wrinkled hand travel to her upper thigh, scanning the form of her leg at the slightest of touch. The shock made her freeze, the tremor hiking to her head as her mind raced at high speed. She panicked. Slowly, she turned her head to look at the old man who smiled sadistically as if rejoicing in the touch of young skin.

The world never fails to disappoint you.

Her heart could be heard from miles away, she was more than sure of that. She stood as fast as she could, shoving the wrinkled hand as far away as she could. She didn’t bother to see what bus stop they reached as she sped out of the bus, the tears streaming down her cheeks.

The chilly night air stroked her wet skin as her sobs spiked in hiccups, some of the passing people only spared her curious glances; some wanted to be kind, yet the insecurity drove them away. _The better_ , thought Rey as she walked down the street, not even sure if her home was that way. She wrapped her arms around her slender frame as the lights drifted, the memory still vivid; if she remembered for a few seconds, she could still feel his disgusting hand on her thigh.

_Why was she crying? This was not her doing nor her fault._

_It was._

She was stupid enough for going out to the street so late at night dressed in the tight skirt. Of course, she was to blame. She should have gone as soon as her shift ended, why on earth did she stop and wait for Rose to leave first. In the beginning all she wanted to do was to give Rose some privacy and space, maybe with more time she would come to her senses and forgive Rey. She knew that forcing her way into forgiveness would not end well, but know she has the consequence of being stupid for getting out of the building late.

She was to blame for wearing a skirt at late 11 in the night. Of course, they would all see a flying piece of meat. If she was smarter and truly cared for her wellbeing, she would have taken spare clothes to change into. It was her stupid fault, the pure meaning of being a woman was her fault. She should know better that no woman can be alone in the streets at night, and if something were to happen to her, it was her fault entirely.

Her heart trembled as she felt her air slowly crumble into pieces, almost not reaching her lungs. She didn’t want to be alone, she didn’t want to be looked at. She wanted to be cared for, if just for the night. Rey searched for her phone with trembling hands as she dialed the number she knew by memory; it rang four times and Finn never answered.

She screamed in frustration as she dialed again and again with no reward. Rey finally looked around, trying to see if she recognized anything, she didn’t. Her heart sped, the nightmares whistling in her ear. Finn had marked three phone numbers on her phone for emergencies, the first being his but after three failed attempts, Rey had given up on him. The second was the police, just in case the suicidal part started to climb in her brain again. And the third being Ben’s.

She hesitated on his number, it was almost midnight and he was surely resting already. Of course, Rey knew that Doctor Solo had more than just curiosity about her; he had confessed it pretty much the last session. But still, he had no tie to her, and he was not obligated to tend her moods or crisis.

_He is your psychiatrist. It kinda is his job._ She thought in the most irritating voice of reason.

Rey took in several breaths as she pressed the call button, the phone ringing and ringing. It took Doctor Solo four dials to pick up, his voice severe and hard on the line.

“Who is this?”

Rey felt like breaking, she was crumbling from the inside as the sobs broke into the phone. She knew she was a complete disaster and some of the local neighbors of that neighborhood must think she was crazy.

“Ben?” she whispered between sobs.

She heard him take in a deep breath, “Rey? What is going on? What is wrong?” he said, his tone changing from the severe tone to the worried hoarse.

“Everything is wrong.” She cried.

“Rey, where are you?”

“I don’t know, I …” she whispered as she looked around for any sign that would reveal her location.

“What on earth, Rey? Stay where you are, I’m going to trace down your phone. Don’t hang up!” she could hear his ruffling wherever he was, hear his footsteps as he climbed down his stairs. Rey forced herself to calm down as she sat in the nearest bench she could find, listening to his breaths as he made his way to her. She dried her eyes and counted his breathing as she tried to match hers to his, the breeze climbing up her exposed legs.

“Rey? Are you still on the line?” he asked.

She breathed a few times before answering, to steady her voice from trembling after the sobs. “I’m here.”

“Okay, I’ve got your location. Don’t you dare move, I’m already on my way.”

She nodded more to herself than to affirm Ben.

“Rey?” he said, voice steady.

She could hear the motor of his car being turned, the engine sparking. “Yes?” she whispered.

“If someone hurts you, don’t be afraid to bite back.”

* * *

 

Rey sat in the bench for some minutes, she had calmed herself by staring at the trees in the distance, listening to the few passing cars. Her eyes unmoving and one with the breeze that scaled her bones, until she heard a honk from a car. She looked at the gray honda with squinted eyes, not being sure who the driver was; until he rolled the window down and revealed his concerned face.

Rey stood and approached the car as quickly as she could, climbing in the warmth of the calefaction and soft seats. As soon as she was inside, Ben locked the doors and sped down the road. She could feel the tension in the air as she curled into a tight ball in her seat, avoiding his pressing questions. She silently thanked whatever god for letting Ben drive, that meant she wouldn’t have to be under his ever-pressing eyes.  

Neither said a word, and Rey knew that he was saving every question for when they arrived at her home. Finn had given Doctor Solo the address to both of their homes, in case of an emergency. Back then, Rey had thought it was unnecessary, but right now she felt blessed for not being the one to handle that type of information she couldn’t process at the moment.

The ride took around 10 minutes that felt like eternity to her, the aura so dense it could almost crush her. Before she knew it, he stopped outside the front entrance of her building. It was time to face what had happened. She unwrapped herself from the tight ball and turned to look at him, she expected to see angry eyes or maybe a bit of concern. But she was regarded with the softest pair of brown eyes, always drinking her like sweet coffee in the morning.

“What happened?” he said, as calm as water flowing.

She looked down, somehow embarrassed by how she reacted to the previous assault. She was meant to be an adult and not be frightened by things that happened so often, but she couldn’t help it.

“I know I am your psychiatrist and that my job is to listen to you. But know that you can count on me and tell me whatever you wish on and off my working hours.” He looked at her with care and delicacy as he wrapped her palm in his bigger one, the warmth reassuring her to talk. “Let me be part of your life. I say this from heart, not by work.”

Rey smiled softly as she swiped her thumb across his palm, staring at the spots on his large hands. She trembled slightly as she listened to him, how much she longed for someone to hear her. She took in several breaths as she returned her eyes to meet his, the tears clinging to the corner of her eyes.

“I was sexually assaulted today. One by catcall-” she said, looking deeply in his face. “the other touched me without consent.” At this he tensed, his face turning stone.

He swallowed twice as his face darkened, the grip on her palm the more insistent. “Would you like to talk about that?” he whispered, his voice restrained.

She nodded still stroking his palm in different patterns.

“Today, I had the most vivid vision. I held a child as a sew his tiny lips together in coarse rope, the boy was red in pain and I smiled, relieved he couldn’t scream any longer. I saw myself perforating the soft skin with precision and determination.” She looked at him, but his eyes were drilled in their united palms, in her strokes. He listened and nodded as he loaded the information into his brain. Rey always felt secure when it came to express her true thoughts to him, for he had kept his word and not once had he judge her. In fact, he praised her creativity.   

“I saw Rose at work and apologized to her, but of course she refused to accept it.” She thought of Rose and sighed, “I don’t blame her though”

“I get out of work very late, so I had to walk to the bus station. I was alone and I thought I was safe there, but a homeless man was hidden in the bushes.” She remembered his moans and her vision, the revulsion seized her once again. Ben watched her with soft eyes, his heart pulsing in his throat. “He was masturbating as he catcalled me.”

Ben tensed, his grip in her palm now fully in a fist. She could sense the aggression hidden under his rapid breathings. “I was so disgusted in the moment, and for a moment I saw something again. I saw myself making justice” she whispered the last words in awe.

Ben turned fully to her, interested in the prospect. “what did you see?” he whispered

Rey smiled, happy of the agony she wished to do. “I saw myself slicing his dick off, seeing him howl in pain as it fell of his body. I took the thing in my bloodied hand and laughed as I penetrated his ass with his own dick over and over.” She didn’t dare look at him, whatever emotion he manifested could either lift her up or crumble her spirits. Instead she continued her trail of memories. “when the bus arrived, I got in and sat next to an old man near the entrance. It’s stupid because I was in fear of the young men at the back of the bus, but it was the elder man who slipped his hand on my thigh.” The tremors returned as she scooted as close as she could to his seat. She didn’t look at him, she couldn’t bear his critic eyes.

But he cupped her cheeks as he kissed the crown of her head, his soft lips the calm she mostly needed. She felt broken, used and dirty. It wasn’t her fault, she was more than sure of that, but society and it’s moral always made you doubt, always searching for someone to blame. She cried on his chest, the fat tears soaking his shirt as the hiccups rose out of her mouth.

“am I turning into a monster?” she whispered between sobs.

Ben soothed her hair, kissing every hair he could. “No, you are not even close to it.”

“The things I want to do, the anger that drowns me. I shouldn’t feel happy of wanting to sew some babies lips.”

“Would you do it though?” he said in the darkness, tone serious.

Rey blinked the tears away. “No, I wouldn’t.”

“Would you dismember a pervert?”

She didn’t answer, the truth climbing in her brain as the word ‘no’ clung to the tip of her tongue, yet it never came out. She stared into the road, the concept floating like a balloon.

“Would you ever do something atrocious? Do you see yourself capable of it?”

She knew she could, she knew how much anger could blind her. But she didn’t want to let that sentiment control her morals and ethic.

“I am not a monster.”

“Do you remember when you told me about the ants? How happy you were for killing them in the most painful way?” he said, his breath against the crown of her skull. “Would you do it again?”

She shivered, she knew her own words and the things her head could do. She cried harder, she didn’t want to turn into the one thing she had so insistently tried to avoid. She unwrapped from his arms in a quick motion which made her body long for his warmth and affection. But he was playing tricks, he was molding her mind. She knew it, all psychiatrist were the same. Hungry to transform a mind, to will it their way. Rey stared at him, the statement clear like sunlight, she was sure.

“I am not a monster.” She said firmly before getting out of his car, slamming the door just as she made her way to the building entrance.

_I am not a monster._ _I am not a monster. I am not a monster. I am not a monster. I am not a monster._

But deep down she knew she’s always been one. Asleep maybe, but a devil within.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i told you things start to get weird


	5. You're just a heart to hold, you're easy to impress

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> we start getting sexual here, so watch out if you're not in for that.

_Entry: 23 th of April_

_Why does he do that? He should be helping me, not twisting my brain into the mess it already is! I can’t control my thoughts anymore, it hurts, and it haunts._

_He’s supposed to listen to me, to find a way to pacify the screams in my head, the need of sin and gore. He should help my brain around them, not confuse me to the point in which I don’t know what is good and what is bad. Instead, he seems amused of the dark images in my head, he loves to listen to the nightmares and smiles every time I cry out loud: I AM NOT A MONSTER!_

_I don’t think he’s helping. Instead, his twisting my mind and rejoicing in the sick way I respond to his psychology. I should try and tell Finn, tell him to get me a new psychiatrist. One that will actually help me, one that will turn me to the police and lock me up, because I must admit, all these visions are not neat. Yet, I don’t find it in me to do that. As much as I want Finn to help me, to get me away from the twisted tentacles of Doctor Solo; I somehow don’t want to. I know that if I tell Finn the truth, there will only be two options. One, to be very disappointed in me, for Finn to relay on the idea that I am making things up only to drown in my depression and solitude. And two, to end up in a mental facility, which if you ask me, I would say go ahead gladly! But I wasn’t ready to become a wimp of nothing, I didn’t want to disappear just like that._

_She did have to thank Doctor Solo for that. He somehow made her realize that she was more than just a burden, that she could actually be someone without Finn always checking on her. And for an instant Rey had believed Doctor Solo, she even tried to make her own path. But now, it was hard. The images crawling in her brain like spiders to a net, some of the visions would repulse her for instants and for others they would excite her to no measure. It was that what scared her to no end. She hated that feeling of desire and weakness she sometimes felt._

_Death shouldn’t be beautiful. It should be something to fear, something you never want to get. Of course, she wasn’t afraid of death, in fact, she had desired it for so long as she once contemplated ways of ending her own life. But now, as each nightmare grew and her lust extended, she realized it wasn’t the idea of death that excited her; it was the power that one could hold. The power of either being the bringer of death or being the corpse. It was tantalizing, and that idea alone scared her to the core._

* * *

 

She truly had no idea of what she could do. Did she want lasagna or spaghetti and meatballs? It shouldn’t be that difficult to select what to eat for lunch, yet Rey always found drama for simple things. She chose for lasagna as she dropped the meat package in the supermarket cart, strolling down the refrigerated aisle as she rejoiced in the chilly air she could get from the fridges. The heat had started at its full blast forcing Rey to use her dresses once again, her feet slippery from the sweat that clung to her soles. She was eager for the rain to come and wash away the dryness of the weed, to wash her away as it always did with the dirt.

She strolled as she eyed the cheese section in search of the mozzarella that they often hid at the very edge of the refrigeration. She was too concentrated in not mixing the vegan cheese with the fat calorie one she actually wanted; that she didn’t notice the tall man crashing his cart with hers. Rey frowned, ready to yell at the other customer for crashing into her when she lifted her gaze to see that pale face she was dreading to see. Doctor Solo stood there, smiling like a fool as he settled only a few feet away from her. He huffed, looking down to her cart.

“My bad, I’m sorry if I broke the eggs” he said as he took as few steps back.

Rey forced a smile on her face as her eyes scanned him. She was surprised to see him in a blue Bermuda and cotton white t-shirt, it was the most casually she had ever seen him since he usually slept in his dress shirt and formal pants. She cracked a small laugh as the idea crept in her mind.

“I had no idea you owned a Bermuda” she said, smiling at the image of him.

Ben smiled, his eyes drifting to her form in the lovely light blue dress. Rey noticed the way his lips twitched as he licked his lips. “There are many things you don’t know about me.” He murmured.

Rey nodded, more firmly than ever. It was a thought that had been very present in her mind over the past few days. “Indeed, Doctor Solo. I’ve concluded that I don’t know you at all,” she said, grabbing the handle of her cart and reversing it to steer away from the cold air she loved. “in fact, I don’t think it’s healthy.”

Ben frowned as he moved to stroll next to her, their carts one on one as they walked down the aisle. “Why is that?” he asked, curious.

Rey sighed, feigning disinterest as she stared at a package of toilet paper in the highest point of the shelves infront of her. “I have no idea who you are.” She reached for the toilet paper but failed to grab it as it was too high for her to reach. “Yes, Finn said you are one of the best psychiatrists here in the area. He said you have a record of helping many on the edge of insanity. But, how do I know that?” she tried once again and failed. Ben reached in front of his nose and grabbed the paper from her fingertips as he gave it to her. Rey smiled for the help as she read it was 100% organic. “For what I’ve seen, you live alone in what seems almost like a mansion. You have no family or so I have seen no family portrait. No partner nor social life.”

Ben scoffed, frowning in disagreement as he let Rey continue. “For all I know, you might be some psychopath who might be stealing the actual Doctor Solo’s identity!”

He laughed, loud and terrible. “Are you on some kind of drug?” he asked as his laughter died bit by bit.

Rey smiled. “No, I don’t think so.”

He shook his head, his smile staying intact. “You never gave me the chance, you wouldn’t let me show you who I really am.” He began to stroll away from her, leaving her with mysteries in her mind.

With the doubt and excitement, she took the cart and strolled fast enough to catch up with him; when she was next to him he stared at his angular face, trying to find a crack in the mask. “Was there something to know?” she asked.

He stopped in his tracks and turned to look directly in her eyes, the smile gone and his eyes drowned in sadness and deception. “There is so much to learn from me, Rey. I have always been interested in you, in a much deeper way than psychiatrist and patient.” His tone low with a hint of melancholy, he stopped and turned to the sides, searching if there was anyone to eavesdrop. “The moment you stepped a foot on my porch, I knew you were different, and then those beautiful brown eyes scanned, and they saw things that others didn’t. I knew then that you and I could make a difference, we could be much more.” 

With each word he cornered Rey between his cart and the stand behind her. She could feel her heart beginning to pulse at full rate, her blood flowing from her face to her legs, the tingling sensations returning like a punch in the gut. This is what she feared, why she stopped going to her almost daily sessions with him; because he affected her in many ways that confused her.

She tasted her own saliva as her eyes bore down in his, his breath coming closer to her. “I don’t know” she whispered, half in fear and curiosity.

Ben smiled warmly as he took some steps back, leaving fresh air for her. “Come to my house again, not for sessions, but for a dinner” he said, his hand lifting to cup her cheek.

Rey nodded, not knowing if she wanted to. “You won’t buzz me? Like, act as if it was another session?”

Ben shook his head as some dark locks fell to his eyes. “No sessions, just a date.”

Rey smiled. That information did make her feel better, a thing she did look forward to. “Tomorrow night?”

He smiled, pressing on her cheek once more before releasing her. “Then we have a date!”

She nodded, high on the idea. She looked down to her cart to check if the eggs were still intact after all the rush, and indeed they were perfectly arranged in their package. She peeked at Ben’s cart only to see he had four gallons of bleach in his cart. She frowned as she lifted her head to look at him. “Why so much bleach?”

He blinked, caught on surprise. He opened his mouth, turning to look at her in a firm way. “It’s for my curtains, they got stained.”

Rey noticed how uncomfortable her question had made him. Suddenly it hit her, maybe he was ashamed of her knowing that he did his own laundry? And why so much bleach? He could’ve just buy a new set of curtains if he wanted to, Rey knew he had money to do so.

* * *

 

She took the bus as she steadied herself for the upcoming night. She hadn’t told Finn about the date nor their previous encounters, she felt it was a personal issue she didn’t want to expose to her best friend; not when she knew very well that he wouldn’t understand. Rey crossed the road when she reached her destination; she could feel her limbs twinge as her nerves piled up in her brain. The fear and curiosity rising as bile in her throat, she wasn’t sure if this was a good idea. Ever since that day in his car, she had felt more nervous and unsteady, it was as if he had cracked some barrier she desperately had tried to build.

Her heart took at beat as she reached his porch, the saliva leaving her mouth as she tried to steady her shaking limbs. At night the air would become chilly and the wind would start its way through the city announcing the coming rains; her black skirt flushing against her skin as the air blew into her face. She knocked slightly on the door as she heard the locks turning after a few second; Doctor Solo appeared as he opened the door, dressed more casual than when they had their sessions, he wore blue jeans and a black long-sleeved shirt that seemed to be of the softest cotton she wished to touch. His hair remained wet at the sides of his face, framing his pale cheeks as his moles outstood. He looked down at her in her petite black skirt and white chiffon blouse; his smile grew as his eyes intertwined with her gaze.

“Just in time” he said as he took a step back, extending his hand motioning for her to enter the space.

Rey smiled as she entered a house she didn’t want to return to, a house that still caused her mixed emotions. She walked into the little waiting room, her smile faltering as she looked at the chairs neatly arraigned for those who waited on their twisted friends, for people like Finn. Her eyes involuntarily turned to the right, to the sign that still hung over the white wooden door, the PSIC-OFFICE letters causing a chill over her spine. As much as she wanted to enjoy the moment with Ben, the images and visions would return at full force at the idea of another crazy session, one where she knew that Ben would unravel the entirety of her brain, the one thing she was the most afraid of.

“I made smothered chicken breasts with a side of sweet corn. I hope you enjoy it.” he closed the door behind her, securing the locks before placing a hand on her lower back, pushing her deeper into his household. She nodded as she followed her scent to the kitchen, the sweet smell of corn filling the four walls. She had once been in his kitchen for dinner, but it wasn’t that great of a deal since Finn was sitting only a few feet away. Now it was different, the dinning room was already small, just the wooden table with flowers blooming in the center. She smiled, in a glass vase a bouquet of sunflowers shinning bright in the expanse of his white walls. Her smile widened as she gravitated toward them, her eyes gleaming in delight as she reached for them, marveling in the beautiful color of sunrise and sunset on the petals.

“It is known that this certain flower moves with the sun. When the sun rises, so does the flower. When it goes dark and the sun is no more; they become crestfallen.” He moved behind Rey, his hand once again placed on her lower back. The warmth of his touch making her face fall hot and surely red by now. She listened to his words, her eyes still glued to the flowers in her hand.

“They are beautiful, the most amazing color I have ever seen.” She murmured.

Ben’s smile widened as he moved closer to her. “And just like the flowers, I follow my sun. You are my ray of sunlight, if you let me be cringy.” He said, breaking into a small laugh at the end. “But, only to you do I follow the lead, and only to you will I ever answer in what you need.”

She could feel his hot breath puffing next to her ear, the warmth making her guts harder to ignore, the sensations worse to ignore. She licked her lips, like in want of water to cleanse her mind. “I’m very hungry.” she whispered between breaths. He nodded, breaking the tight air as he lifted a hand to his face, wiping away the needing sensation.

“Yes, of course.” He moved toward the wooden table and reached for the chair, offering Rey the seat as she sat down at the gentleman gesture. “I shall bring the dinner right away.”

He smiled before leaving to the kitchen to retrieve their plates. Rey stared around the room, from the shining chandeliers above her head to the minimalist designs all around. It always struck her how he had no image nor sign that demonstrated that he had a life outside his work. She firstly thought that maybe it was no good to have family pictures in your work space, specially when your work with unstable people. Yet, not even his dinning room had a detail of his life, nothing, just accessories to the glam. She had confronted him in the supermarket, but it all came out as an invasion to his privacy.

He returned with the two gleaming plates, the corn shinning under the cool light. She smiled as he placed her plate directly in front if her; he chose to sit in front, so he could stare at her and notice the little quirks she made while she ate.

It was a difficult task, she must admit. She was never one to shy away at the idea of food, but even since her downfalls and unstable manners, the simple idea of digesting something would make her uneasy. That was one of the things that preoccupied Finn the most, he always knew how much she loved to eat, and one day when he catched her, she had not eaten in almost two days. Her grin slipped as she poked the chicken with her fork, dragging the spices away from its flesh.

“I know you have a problem with food, and I am no nutritionist. But for tonight, I ask of you to finish your dinner.” Ben said as he placed a glass of wine in front of her plate.

She scoffed choosing to take the wine instead.

“I’m serious, Rey.” His tone low against the silent room, his hand blocking the top of the glass from meeting her lips.

She looked up to him, her eyes squinting under the low light.

“I was serious in the supermarket. Who are you, Doctor Solo?” said Rey as she sat the glass down on the table.

Ben smirked, moving his own plate aside. He leaned forward, his elbows on the table as he looked straight into Rey’s eyes. “My name is Ben Solo, son of recognized law teacher at Alderaan University and a cheap street rat.” Rey avoided his eyes, looking everywhere to escape the brown swirls as she digested the new things he said. “I graduated from the Empire University with a major in psychology, later on I chose to specialize in a medical field with psychiatry.”

It made sense in a way, why he would speak with her in the role of a psychologist. Turning the gears in a motion that would always make her doubt; he didn’t force her on any medication as a psychiatrist would. Yet, she was aware of his other patients and his work in the local mental hospital.

“I differ from my mother; she keeps thinking that psychology is the study of the lazy. ‘what difficult is it to learn about crazy people?” he says, leaning back on his chair as his eyes glaze with the memory. “But I chose that career for a much more complex reason. There’s something about knowing the depths of a mind, the reasons and the stability. How a behavior can change with the slightest push and motivation.”

Rey swallowed, his words clearing the fog in her head. “Is that why you took such interest in me? Because you saw how twisted and unstable I was, because you know you have the power to mold my headspace to your will?” her tone trembling in a new fear she didn’t know could exist. She knew it was true, why he was so interested in her visions, the nightmares that would haunt her. Rey always felt an ich when his curiosity turned around the dark ideas, and how he would smile with his burning questions.

“You are different, Rey. I knew it the moment you were in my office searching for signs that would give me away, that would mark me just as the other plenty psychologist you’ve attended. But, Rey, you are just like me.” She shifted in her seat as she listened to his words, each second growing inside of her. “The nightmares you call, and the attacks you’ve made, they are all signs begging to be out. Desires you’ve suppressed all of your life but that are fighting for light.” His tone was joyous, a glee that should alarm her.

“I am not a monster.” She whispered, her hands slipping to her sides. The air in her lungs seemed to thin, the darkness swirling back in her head. The images crawling like spiders in a web, connecting her fears with her ambitions.

Ben cracked a small laugh as she heard the scrape of his chair. She knew he was moving toward her, she could hear his footsteps until his thighs were at her eye level. She took in several breaths before rising her eyes to him. From her seat he looked bigger than ever, his tall form shadowing all the light from the chandelier. His dark hair framing down his face in the purest way of an angel, his eyes soft and searching, looking for a glimpse of fear of anything that would give her away.  Rey felt the tears beginning to accumulate in her eyes, a few blinks and the tears were falling down her tanned cheeks. Her lower lip trembled as his words began to make sense, as the reality made her fear her humanity.

“I don’t want to be a monster.” She whispered in a slight sob.

Ben crouched, his grin reassuring as he lifted his palm to caress away the tear. “You are nothing close to one, I promise.”

Her heart began to beat at an intensity that could crawl out of her chest. “Then why do you say those things!” she screamed.

Ben lifted her from her seat, dragging her weeping body to his chest. His hand stroked her hair as her tears landed on his shirt, soaking the fabric. He hummed as she cried, replaying all the bad things her mind created, the images she tried with all her heart to erase.

“Shhh, don’t you worry. I’m here to help after all.” He whispered on her ear, turning to sit on her unused chair. He lifted her body so she sat upon his lap, her legs hugging his own as their chest remained compressed.

“What do you feel when you think of all those horrible things, my dear Rey?” his breath gently hitting her lobe.

Rey trembled in his arms. “I shouldn’t feel that way!” her voice cracking in guilt.

She felt his hands pressed against her exposed thighs from the skirt she wore.

“You feel excited, the eagerness of the act. Your mind crawls in rejoice at the idea of doing what you want, of fulfilling your propose.” His thumbs began simple patterns against her skin. “You deny the simple pleasures. The human nature demands, and you neglect it; it’s time you give in to what makes you feel awake.”

Her mind steered, every thought falling into place. She placed her head on his shoulder, her eyes wide as she listened intently to his words. She was tired of doing just that, of reigning herself into what she thought was humanity. A humanity that had only caused her downfall and break, she had isolated herself from all her friends in fear of becoming what she hated. It turns out she had become something worse.

“Do you want me to be a murderer?” she whispered.

He hugged her tighter. “I want you to do what you desire to, even if it’s the cruelest thing you can imagine. I want you to be free, to experience life for what it should be!” his lips began a slow pattern against her ear, whispering and biting.

“Is it worth it? Doing horrible things for the simple sensations it could bring? The pleasure and excitement of a few minutes worth of a lifetime of gruesome nightmares?” she leaned on his chest, granting him access to her neck.

She could feel his firm hands getting hard and precise as they wandered over her thighs, pressing and pinching her soft flesh. “That won’t happen! When you told me the tale of the ants in your orphanage, you spoke about the pleasure and release, you never thought of guilt. It’s not a part of your system, it does not speak to you.” He planted a few shallow kisses on her jaw as the wetness marked a trail. “We are all animals, Rey. We follow only our instincts, and only those will help us find our way. Give in one night and see if it changes, challenge yourself to be free!”

Rey felt the warmth arousal in her inner thighs, if she rubbed an inch more, she could feel the slickness of the wet folds throbbing in a new need. She hated how horny she would get when he spoke in hushed pressed tones. She took his shoulders with a tight grasp, lifting herself a bit, only to place herself right on top of his now grown erection. The thin fabric of her wet panties rubbed gloriously against the rough spot of his jeans, the erection pocking directly in the spot she wanted, only a touch away from her clitoris.

“Why are you so determined on turning me into a monster who only follows her sense for pleasure and lust?” she murmured between breaths as she rubbed herself against his erection, making circles that brought a pulsing heat in her insides. His hands were at her waist, gripping hard enough to cause a bruise; just as he helped in guiding her against him, grinding in a perfect way.

He loved seeing her like this. It was how he always imagined having her; drowned in lust and need, not caring about her sadness nor pity feelings for others. He wanted her whole and hungry, ready for the horrors and unafraid. As long as she knew who she was and what she could be, it all would be well.

“Because only then you and I will be the same. Two animals longing for release, and there is no release but the carnal and the fierce.”

It seemed to awaken a kink she had buried, a feeling she needed to find. Her rubs growing faster as the brush of fabric created a hot temperature just enough to prolong her throbbing walls. She could feel her clitoris demanding the needing release, one she had denied for almost four years since the day she lost her virginity. She reached with her hand for the soaked pantie as she moved the fabric aside, revealing her soft pink pussy as she sat directly against his jean. She didn’t even look at him for an approval, she wasn’t going to negotiate her release. She grinded against his erection harder than she did with a normal pillow, faster than a horny rabbit. She needed that sensation, to feel a flicker of emotion. It throbbed, from the inside to the out, pulsing like a breath of a fast clock, clenching and demanding until it could no longer contained itself. She moaned as loud as she could as her release came, the orgasm flying in webs of satisfaction. She slowed down, rubbing each time slower as her orgasm slowly ended.

She smiled and finally looked at Ben’s face, her cheeks red with embarrassment at what she just did. But he looked at her with his strong eyes, ever soft and ever demanding. He smiled just before leaning in to kiss her lips. Rey had imagined once or twice how they would feel, but she found out her imagination was short. He sucked on her lips softly and sweetly, biting on the flesh just to see if it would pull away. Rey sighed as she returned his kiss, savoring the softness of his plump lips.

He broke the kiss only to lean his forehead against hers, licking his lips as he spoke. “This is how you should always feel, the satisfaction and ecstasy. Joy of living, not just living for living.”

Rey nodded, her mind loaded with new information. It was like her orgasm had turned into an unnecessary metaphor. She had forced herself to forget what sex was, to erase all memory of an orgasm for the past four years. All because it was an act of impurity. But now, she gave in to the desire and the result was better than expected. Would her first try at release be the same? She smiled, cupping his face between her palms.

“I think I need to go now.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hope you all like this chapter as much as I did <3  
> i'm sorry for updating this late, i know a i should be better.  
> But i have homework and tv shows to catch up to, so sorry for that. Also, my muse kinda went off and i lost inspo, but i hope i'm back for good now.  
> If you wanna chat with me or give me a new prompt, check the cat.  
> comments give me life and feed me, so comment "dick sick" if you are reading this :v

**Author's Note:**

> don't die.  
> check the curiouscat: thpsyche


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